Hang Up Your Quills, My Dears

[therealsnape]

For those of you who are in the middle of Writer's Insecurity over the minerva_fest, here's the end to your troubles.

As of last Monday, the ultimate piece of fanfic-gone-pro is posting in my daily newspaper. We may as well hang up our quills. There's simply no point to our scribbling. Let's face the dire truth, my friends. The Ship of FanProfic has so sailed without us. We're left on a dark and distant shore.

And don't give me the 'we write in a copy-righted fandom' excuse; the staggering geniuses I refer to got a week's wages out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

At first, I thought I would keep this news from you. You'd live in blissful ignorance, but you'd be happier that way. And we Snapes excel at double lives. For the Greater Good of my flist, I would bear this knowledge alone. It's the Greasy Git's burden.

But this morning's episode made me see the error of my ways. The truth might destroy your happy fanficcing bubble, but it would give you something you've craved. And when I say you, I refer to that part of my flist (it may well be the majority) who are Into Tea.

In this harsh RL world we live in, some of you were threatened with arrest because you were outed as Teashippers. But here on LJ we all have a wonderful, safe, understanding space where we can post about it, have icons about it, and have fierce yet respectful debates on hot topics such as Strength, Black Versus Green, and Flavours. There's room for everyone, from Older Character Lovers (Earl Grey) to Trio-Gen (we love our Lavender and Pansy-shippers) to Next-Gen, even. Rose-tea lovers needn't be ashamed here. From the Kinkiest Dark-Tea-fan to the most PG-rated White Jasmine, we can all be ourselves.

And now there's the ultimate experience. No longer do we need to hide our innermost desire. No more crawling through pages and pages of the most unlikely pairings, just so that we can drool over Lapsang Souchong-drinking Snape, Black Tea-loving Minerva, and Weak-Tea-fancying Wilhelmina and Poppy (yeah, I know, I'm vanilla. Also, quite frankly, I prefer the term liquid tea for my kink of choice. I find Weak a bit tea-o-normative.)

Here's the story you've always wanted and were too bashful to ask for.

A deliciously-strong, steaming-hot upper class hero, Lord Grey.
A submissive maiden, as innocent and pure as Darjeeling First Flush, Miss Lipton.
The tea-kink in this story is just ... aaahhhh. I can't even. Brushes. OMG, brushes!
Some of the liquidest puns you've ever seen.
And a final scene that is just ... just ... Even though the kink in question isn't really me, this scene left me panting, gasping, trembling, with hands clutching the sides of the paper and heels digging into the rug.

The killer last line! And the image of the dripping ... hot ... oooh, yesss!

Oh, I'm quite overcome...

Flist, I give you the full and unabridged (and image-heavy) Fifty Tastes of Tea, The Graphic Novel.



Translation:
The Inexorable international bestseller
Now finally as daily comic!
Fifty Tastes of Thee (Thee is tea, of course, pronounce to rhyme with 'grey')

As soon as I entered the place, I felt my inner goddess leap at the sound of his voice.
"Welcome, Anasthesia".

"My name is Earl Grey."



Translation:
"I want to invite you to have a cup of tea with me, Miss Lipton.

It was impossible to reject his offer. I followed him to his secret tearoom.
"You can still return, Miss Lipton. I must warn you that I have rather unusual tastes."

"The Matcha tea, once it has entered the cup, is lightly whipped with a bamboo brush."



"You have never really drunk tea before, Miss Lipton. Having tea with me is a leap into the unknown. I demand total surrender."

"Oooh, hot."
"Hmmmm."



My inner goddess squirmed with lust when I took a sip. Earl Grey watched me with his penetrating eyes.
"Aaah!"

"But ... Earl ... I'm so warm, all of a sudden. I ... I want to open my blouse."
"Be my guest."

"It's ClTeavage."



My inner goddess screamed and begged. Slowly he raised the dripping, hot bag ...

I saw his eyes. His look changed. I felt how a scream clenched within my lungs, tore across my vocal cords and teeth, and left my mouth. I couldn't bear it any longer.

"Darker, Earl! I want it darker!

Comments

[lash-larue.livejournal.com]

Sweet, screaming Jesus.

I haven't read the book. Now I don't need to.

The drawings are fabulous, thanks for sharing this bit of sick genius.

L

PS: Thanks for getting me off the hook for Minfest.

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Arent' they just great? When I saw that powerful last line, I just knew I had to share this with all of you.

[miss-morland.livejournal.com]

WIN. *sniggers*

Love Lord Grey's look in the second last panel -- how could any inner goddess resist that?

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! Ah, to be carried away by a strong, steaming-hot Earl Grey - the musky smell of bergamot alone ...

[purplefluffycat.livejournal.com]

*Snarf!* Very good, and I thought your intro was just the thing to set off this... masterpiece ;-)

PurpleFluffyCat x

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It really does have the most stunning plotline, doesn't it?

[kellychambliss.livejournal.com]

This is a heartbreaking work of staggering genius -- make that "tea-nius" -- both the intro and the strip. D-colle-thee, indeed.

We who are about to die (of laughter) salute you: you, and the lustful lord (those eyebrows! *swoon*), and the lovely lady with no jawbones. (I'd identify with her, of course, except that I'm the darkest of dark-souled Teashippers.)

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

"Tea-nius" *grin*

Actually, it was the last line, and my visualising you and Tetley - but mostly you, oh DarkTeaShipper - screaming those very words that made me post this masterpiece. I knew it would touch the very core of your Teahood, and judging from your icon it did just that.

Oh, and as I just mentioned to Tetley - how's this for appropriate AND sexy use of dripping?

[cabepfir.livejournal.com]

Ahahah :D I hope this will continue in a most satisfying blend.

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Alas, today's final episode was such a let-down I won't even post it. Much better to keep this ending.

[queen-of-snapes.livejournal.com]

Wow... just... wow...

Reading the part before the cut, I was like "what did she smoke!" Very clever. I even had some Earl Grey not an hour ago!

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

I even had some Earl Grey not an hour ago! And you're already composed enough to type a comment? Wow, Queenie, that's ...

[queen-of-snapes.livejournal.com]

You don't get to be queen if you lack the discipline!

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

A truer word was never spoken. I take my hat off to Your Majesty.

[tetleythesecond]

BWAAAAHAHAHAH!

"Dat kan..."

D. Colle Thee

And your translation, not to mention the commentary, is sheer delight!

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear. A translation compliment from you is a compliment, indeed.

Also, don't you love the use of dripping? One of the things that made me want to share this at once. That, and visualising my dark-tea-loving friends in the final image.

[dreamy-dragon73.livejournal.com]

Rofl! This is genius!
And your introduction is perfect for it :)

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I tried to do this staggering masterpiece justice.

[squibstress.livejournal.com]

Brilliant and very funny (both the comic and your own contributions), even to those of us heathens who resolutely stick to coffee.

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

Well, as you can see, it is safer to stick to coffee. You just miss out on so many levels, you poor things.

[cranky--crocus.livejournal.com]

I would bother to worry about where I fall on the Tea Scale (I put more tea in my hair than in my mouth...) but I've just died of laughter, so I needn't worry about anything anymore.

Except for the fact that it's 5 o'clock in the morning and I have just discovered that if I go from straight-faced to dead-of-laughter in under thirty seconds, I start making the sounds of a guinea pig. That's concerning.

If I do make it to Orlando, I'll try to make sure no one makes me laugh after midnight so I don't risk turning into a mouse.

(This is utterly hilarious. I haven't read the actual book, but I've read a chapter-by-chapter review [poor lass who had to read the book for the lot of us] and this fits a number of the scenes very well. But better. Far better.)

I have been tea-ckled pink.

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

I have been tea-ckled pink. There really is no end to the number of teapuns one can make, is there? Glad to hear you enjoyed it so much.

Also, involuntary Transfiguration of the 'turn into' is only at the strike of midnight (or so they believe in Europe, and we had witches when Salem wasn't even on the map yet) so it's just during the twelve strokes of the clock that we'll all be very serious and talk of income tax and slipping gears and such.

[cranky--crocus.livejournal.com]

*Grins.* Thank you for your generosity! I know a minute without laugh-out-loud humour around you is incredibly difficult to achieve. (:

[twisted-twister.livejournal.com]

/please imagine a cup of tea in my icon/

That was hilarius. Personally, I think your intro was much better than the actual strip (strip? who wrote this word???), but with your writing, that's a given.

I saw this when I was in south of France (saved a few tabs offline at the Internet cafe run by a lovely Dutch lady) but could read it a few days later, funily enough, just after having a cup of Tetley tea. Which was, well... HOT. Now, home, I can only sigh at the memory.

[therealsnape.livejournal.com]

It's not 'strip' as in 'undress in a sexy way'. It's 'strip' as in a small strip of paper - a small, rectangular piece. Like the images above. Sorry to disillusion you - it must have sounded ever so interesting.

Glad you enjoyed it! And I hope you had a wonderful holiday? How was Toulouse?

[twisted-twister.livejournal.com]

Ummm. I know what a comic strip is. I meant to use that word as a pun, saying that when I saw the comic srtip and read your intro and translation, I thought that undressing in a sexy way is what your characters wanted to be doing anyway.

The holiday - its south of France bit anyway - was wonderful. we finally managed to rest, travel and even go to the sea and to a lake. But we never got to Toulouse in the end, because we stayed in Mirpoix, where our friends have a summer house, and from there we only went to small vilages/towns in the area and to some nature places. Next time (if they'll have us again) we'll see Carcassone and Toulouse.