Hang Up Your Quills, My Dears

[therealsnape]

For those of you who are in the middle of Writer's Insecurity over the minerva_fest, here's the end to your troubles.

As of last Monday, the ultimate piece of fanfic-gone-pro is posting in my daily newspaper. We may as well hang up our quills. There's simply no point to our scribbling. Let's face the dire truth, my friends. The Ship of FanProfic has so sailed without us. We're left on a dark and distant shore.

And don't give me the 'we write in a copy-righted fandom' excuse; the staggering geniuses I refer to got a week's wages out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

At first, I thought I would keep this news from you. You'd live in blissful ignorance, but you'd be happier that way. And we Snapes excel at double lives. For the Greater Good of my flist, I would bear this knowledge alone. It's the Greasy Git's burden.

But this morning's episode made me see the error of my ways. The truth might destroy your happy fanficcing bubble, but it would give you something you've craved. And when I say you, I refer to that part of my flist (it may well be the majority) who are Into Tea.

In this harsh RL world we live in, some of you were threatened with arrest because you were outed as Teashippers. But here on LJ we all have a wonderful, safe, understanding space where we can post about it, have icons about it, and have fierce yet respectful debates on hot topics such as Strength, Black Versus Green, and Flavours. There's room for everyone, from Older Character Lovers (Earl Grey) to Trio-Gen (we love our Lavender and Pansy-shippers) to Next-Gen, even. Rose-tea lovers needn't be ashamed here. From the Kinkiest Dark-Tea-fan to the most PG-rated White Jasmine, we can all be ourselves.

And now there's the ultimate experience. No longer do we need to hide our innermost desire. No more crawling through pages and pages of the most unlikely pairings, just so that we can drool over Lapsang Souchong-drinking Snape, Black Tea-loving Minerva, and Weak-Tea-fancying Wilhelmina and Poppy (yeah, I know, I'm vanilla. Also, quite frankly, I prefer the term liquid tea for my kink of choice. I find Weak a bit tea-o-normative.)

Here's the story you've always wanted and were too bashful to ask for.

A deliciously-strong, steaming-hot upper class hero, Lord Grey.
A submissive maiden, as innocent and pure as Darjeeling First Flush, Miss Lipton.
The tea-kink in this story is just ... aaahhhh. I can't even. Brushes. OMG, brushes!
Some of the liquidest puns you've ever seen.
And a final scene that is just ... just ... Even though the kink in question isn't really me, this scene left me panting, gasping, trembling, with hands clutching the sides of the paper and heels digging into the rug.

The killer last line! And the image of the dripping ... hot ... oooh, yesss!

Oh, I'm quite overcome...

Flist, I give you the full and unabridged (and image-heavy) Fifty Tastes of Tea, The Graphic Novel.



Translation:
The Inexorable international bestseller
Now finally as daily comic!
Fifty Tastes of Thee (Thee is tea, of course, pronounce to rhyme with 'grey')

As soon as I entered the place, I felt my inner goddess leap at the sound of his voice.
"Welcome, Anasthesia".

"My name is Earl Grey."



Translation:
"I want to invite you to have a cup of tea with me, Miss Lipton.

It was impossible to reject his offer. I followed him to his secret tearoom.
"You can still return, Miss Lipton. I must warn you that I have rather unusual tastes."

"The Matcha tea, once it has entered the cup, is lightly whipped with a bamboo brush."



"You have never really drunk tea before, Miss Lipton. Having tea with me is a leap into the unknown. I demand total surrender."

"Oooh, hot."
"Hmmmm."



My inner goddess squirmed with lust when I took a sip. Earl Grey watched me with his penetrating eyes.
"Aaah!"

"But ... Earl ... I'm so warm, all of a sudden. I ... I want to open my blouse."
"Be my guest."

"It's ClTeavage."



My inner goddess screamed and begged. Slowly he raised the dripping, hot bag ...

I saw his eyes. His look changed. I felt how a scream clenched within my lungs, tore across my vocal cords and teeth, and left my mouth. I couldn't bear it any longer.

"Darker, Earl! I want it darker!